Musings on the Orlando City SC Match: ReKlaussified!!
by Jason Goodbody
Musings from an amateur professional soccer fan
Not an ideal outcome but lots to take in from this hard fought battle with the team from the land of gators, retirees, and rollercoasters.
- This week Klauss was apparently released from captivity after being held hostage for 4 months by St Louis CITY SC medical staff. Having had little contact with the outside world since his injury on Apr 22 against The Colorado Rapids, Klauss was rumored to have screamed out, "Nossa! We are in first place??!!" wondering also if we all have jet packs yet and if that Flowers song from Miley Cyrus is still popular.
- Soccer scientists were also thrilled to discover that a "Klauss", hypothesized earlier this year to be a unit of time thought to be indeterminate, characterized as having the expectation of lasting "just a few weeks" but turns out to be much much longer, is actually 126 days. Kitchen remodels and that Costco checkout line you chose over the other three options can also be measured in multiples and fractions of Klausses.
- Niko Gioacchini played for Orlando last year and shared in this week's press conference that his time with St Louis CITY SC has been a welcome resurgence to his career and that this game was special to him as he hoped to play well against his former team. His knowledge of Orlando City's playing style, strength and weaknesses was used to prepare CITY but there are reports that his presentation on Orlando City's renown crossbar and goalpost defense was skipped by Indiana Vassilev. That shot by Vassilev by the way....It was a banger. Orlando's goalkeeper Pedro Gallese had no chance, had no idea where it came from, and had no problem with the goalpost helping out a bit. Just like the gameplan.
Orlando City SC club doesn't capitalize CITY. I have to say that I am thrilled and proud of our St Louis CITY SC branding and that of the stadium CITYPARK (hold on, checking something….yep, also in allcaps). This outweighs the slight jealousy I have of Orlando City commentators and fans not needing to double tap their shift button throughout their own musings. Note: New York City FC also doesn't capitalize City but I think that's a nomenclature thing that has been around several hundred years. I'll allow it. Also, we've all agreed we are calling it Sporting Kansas from here on out so no need to worry about that one.
Gioacchini left the game at halftime after a hard foul reaggravated a shoulder injury sustained at practice this week. This now is in compliance with a little-known clause in CITY's expansion agreement; there must be one injured striker at all times. Get better, Niko. See you in a Klauss or so!
MLS All Star Tim Parker didn't make the trip as he and his wife Kelsey were expecting to deliver at any moment. Overheard at my house after the first defensive breakdown, "Parker better have had his kid*" with the tone and feel of "there had better be an accident to justify this traffic" 😳. Rumors that a healthy and happy Rory Parker was born at the exact moment Jake Nerwinski was sent off with a red card at the 90' +10 are unfounded. Rory is expected to sign a homegrown contract and join CITYs U1 roster. A deal with Four Hands Brewery is also in the works for their new Parker Fortified First Infant Formula line.
Anthony Markanich had his debut after being recently acquired from the Colorado Rapids for $75,000 in 2023 General Allocation Money (GAM), CITY's first-round pick in the 2024 MLS SuperDraft, and reportedly a forced-yet-half-hearted apology from Rapids owner and St Louis ever-villain Stan Kroenke. Markanich was welcomed with open arms by the team and subbed in for Joakim "The Gripen" Nilsson at the 72 minute. The 23 year old defender's solid play was marked by a skilled pass off the back line leading to a Rasmus Alm equalizer at 78'. With what will undoubtedly become a right of passage for new CITY players, Markanich was invited (the club does not condone hazing) to take part in the season-long tradition of participating in late game opposition goals. Welcome to the team young lad!! In extended time and in an attempt to thwart a point blank shot by Orlando defender Rafael Santos, Markanich defended his face (ironically also with open arms) leading to a handball foul in the box and a go-ahead penalty goal by Orlando City.
I promised you all that there will be no math but;
Blom and Parker in the lineup >>>> Blom and Parker not in the lineup
The lineup continues to evolve. We've got a lot of new depth to play with and new players that will need a lot of playing time through the rest of the season for the team to keep a strong rotation during the playoffs. They will need time to find their form and mesh with the team. This means they need to go through the process of finding their form and meshing with the team. This meshing and finding form process doesn't always look great. It will all work out.
Introducing my first submission to what will become the definitive glossary on soccer terms and lingo.
João Klauss, a Brazilian professional footballer currently playing striker for MLS club St Louis CITY SC.
A mysterious unit of time thought to have been indeterminate and characterized as having the expectation of lasting "just a few weeks" but in fact turns out to be much much longer. Kitchen remodels and that Costco checkout line you chose over the other three are also measured in multiples and fractions of Klausses. Soccer researchers have only recently measured a Klauss to be 126 days
Until next time. #AllForCity
*It was me...I said that, and I think I said it out loud. I apologize to the Parker family for my inconsiderate outburst. Wishing you all a most wonderful future. 😬